Today’s forgiving journal is about creating a space for compassion.
My mom was one of the most compassionate people that I know. She put smiley face stickers on her wall hangings and her birthday cards. She sent me birthday cards like one month in advance. And she forgave me (and others) like it was second nature.
My mom also had a mental illness. And she was murdered when I was 35.
I have done a lot of forgiveness both around her illness, and her murder. What I haven’t done is forgive the parts of me that remind me of things about my mom that scared me.
Then, I had a PAP with abnormal cells so I needed to have a biopsy. It took a lot out of me, and I felt wiped. My sense is that it got me connected to what I was judging.
Time for forgiving:
1 – I forgive myself for judging myself for hating my humanity. I forgive myself for judging my mom as too weak to protect herself. I forgive.
2 – I let all of this go into a beautiful well of compassion. It is white & has the same essence of a smiley face.
3 – I am grateful for needing a biopsy and the learning it brought forward. I am grateful for going beyond my mind, beyond what I think I know … and experience the compassion of my heart.
Today, I took it easy. I really cared for myself …. Including going to a library. I haven’t been to a library in a long time; my mom used to take me there all the time. The experience awakened me to the compassion I almost always felt coming from my mom. I paused and received. And I cried.
What I know is that I am learning how to forgive, how to open myself to the gifts Spirit gives to me. What I know is that my mom would have been the first person to forgive the person who killed her. What I don’t know is how to forgive and forget…. yet.
I feel like I was gifted a deeper level of compassion with this experience of the PAP, how I responded, and the deeper remembrance of my mom’s blessings.
I love you. #Iforgive
ps – this post is in response to Frank’s photo challenge of the week, Blue. Frank – my eyes were immediately drawn to that blue sign welcoming me to the public library, and I knew it was my key to forgiving for today. Thank you!
For a little more…. ♥