Today’s forgiving journal is sharing Sommer’s story.

I’ve recently been requesting for folks to share their story on forgiving.  I came up with some questions that you can answer, or you can share in a way that works for you.

Well, a dear fellow blogger Sommer of The Green Glasses shared her forgiveness story in an email to me.  It is beautiful.

Here’s a quote: “I imagine learning to forgive is like learning to love. One must love themselves before they can love another. One must be able to forgive themselves for them to forgive others.

I’m still working on the “forgive me” part of that equation.”

For the whole story, read on…..

I love you.  So grateful for our journey together.

Love,

Debbie

*****

Every road has a beginning. I imagine some of you on this journey of forgiveness are at the very beginning, some are in the middle. This isn’t a story of triumph, of healing forgiveness. This is just me sharing the view from over here. I’m not even on the road yet, but I can see it.

I have started this writing a half dozen times. I have deleted it just as many. Even stepped away for a mindful bike ride in hopes to locate clarity as the wind zipped past my ears.

I don’t know what forgiving is like. I am unable to forgive others and unable to forgive myself. It’s a flaw. A snag in my sweater.

My trust was broken early on in life. Repeatedly. Various trust breaking incidents occurring in swift succession. Each time I peopled pleased into compliance. I didn’t want to be the hitch, the hurdle, the rotten apple. I wanted harmony. But I had anger inside. Mounting anger.

The need to protect my soul is woven into my fabric. I’ve not had it easy. If someone hurts me then I’m done with them. It’s cold and impetuous. I know. Some may even say it’s selfish. It might be, it likely is. I think it is self-preservation.

My mounting anger. My volcano. Erupted nearly five years ago. The lava has been cooling. There are still patches of soft stone, not fully hardened. There is no footing in other places. I still walk with caution. I am learning to live differently, to love differently. I’m still learning how to emotionally react. Rebuilding a framework takes time. I’m still learning to accept myself.

I’ve tried to extend the olive branch…I’ve also tried to grab the other side of it. But my grasp is weak.

I imagine learning to forgive is like learning to love. One must love themselves before they can love another. One must be able to forgive themselves for them to forgive others.

I’m still working on the “forgive me” part of that equation. I still believe I have to pay for my misgivings. I don’t know if that is right or wrong. But it is what it is. For now.

As I learn to love myself. To accept myself. I imagine I will learn to forgive myself. And forgive others.

-Sommer

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