NOTE: This is a long (and vulnerable) share plus a few tips on forgiveness at the end!
Happy Belated #ForgivingFridays everyone! I was in Cambria for the past few days, taking a pause to reset and rest after the completion of a coaching group I offered (it was wonderful––an 8-week group called Launching into Renewal).
The part I didn’t expect is that I’d also be ending a relationship. I’ve gone back and forth with him for 3 1/2 years. He almost came with me to Cambria, and I just couldn’t do it. I needed time for me, to look at what I truly want in my heart.
I spent 3 amazing days in Cambria, and I sat overlooking the water, and I envisioned what I want now––and I slowed down with myself. I watched myself think about how to “make it work” with him. It was like I didn’t want to allow space to imagine life without my partner.
As I noticed this, I asked more questions. Why don’t I want to let this go? What is underneath that for me? And, I paused, and I listened.
What I realized is how I have a pattern of knowing that a relationship is complete, and then doubting that. I did this with my ex-husband and with another man I lived with subsequent to that. And, here I am with this partner––sensing it’s time to move on yet not wanting to let go.
I remembered when I was a kid, my mom and dad split up. My dad moved around the corner, and I still saw him for 3 years until we moved to NY. We’d been living in CA, and when we moved, it felt so painful. It was right in the middle of winter, so I went from sunshine to snow. My dad was no longer right nearby. And, my mom started going in and out of mental hospitals––when she was home, I shared a bedroom with her.
I see now why I’m doing what I’m doing in relationship. I bought into a belief at that time that if a relationship ends, horrible things would happen. I also had the experience of still having my dad around for a few years, so it was over yet not really over––until we moved. Totally makes sense that I would try to keep a guy “just around the corner” so that I don’t go into a future that to me, feels so painful.
I am sitting here right now giving such compassion for myself. I didn’t realize just how much I felt devastated as a kid––and it’s so important to soothe and care for this part of me. And, it’s equally important to center in the strength within me and practice Self-forgiveness so that I can update the old beliefs to ones that support me better.
I forgive myself for judging myself for buying into the belief that if I end a relationship, bad things will occur.
I forgive myself for judging myself for wanting to keep a partner around to avoid my fears about moving on.
I forgive myself for judging my Dad for not coming with us to New York.
I forgive myself for believing that my Dad’s love would save me from a situation that felt unsafe to me.
I forgive it all––my dad, the divorce, my mom, me, etc.
(Why not go for the grocery store, right?)
The truth is:
(1) I am love and that is strong enough to handle anything in my life.
(2) I am so much more than my thoughts and feelings.
(3) Everything that happens is a blessing for me to awaken to love and grow in awareness.
(4) The only real relationship I have is the one with myself.
I’m going to carve out time to really envision from this place what’s possible for me in relationship and in my life. And, I plan to work with my little girl on updating to these new, awesome beliefs. To be compassionate and hear what she has to say, and to give plenty of time for living into what’s true. I also plan to work with the adult Debbie, so that I’m cooperating with ALL the parts of me who may object to this new perspective on relating to me and my life.
So, if you have something that you want to forgive, remember that who you are is so much more than anything you think or feel. Use this to dissolve the judgment, let go, and walk into freedom. And, when you notice a limiting belief running you, pause with all those parts of you who bought into them, and accept and love each one. Open your heart to yourself and cooperate with where you are––and give yourself time to play with and claim the new, positive beliefs that you know as true.
My spiritual teacher John-Roger has a great quote on love:
“There is so much there for you once you open yourself to it and place yourself on this path of unfoldment. It’s magnificent. And it is all a manifestation of love.”
On that note, blessings to all. Happy belated #ForgivingFridays, and I love you.
ps – here are a few photos from my time there––so many beautiful places to reflect and tune in to the wisdom of the heart. Contributing to Frank’s photo challenge, Return. Frank, I returned to the truth of my heart with forgiveness and letting go.